Lockdown, Part 3

Ok, y'all, so I was reluctant to post this Rawles' Rambling blog 9 days ago when I wrote it.  I wanted to sit on it a while and see how I felt about what I wrote, thinking I would tweak it and change it and probably water it down.  This is super personal for me.  I sat on it longer than I thought, and now, on DAY 36 (April 20) of Lockdown, I am glad I did not change any of it.  Apologies for the length. I am verbose, I know.  I can't help myself.  Unusual times call for unusually long blog posts. Ha.  See below, and then I will expound on how things have changed, or not, in the last nine days for me....


Day 27 of Lockdown 2020 (April 11):

Annoyances/Anxieties:
*  I am actually anxious that I will look back on all this "TIME" and feel like I did not get enough done.  I am feeling tremendous pressure to be productive, and that pressure is coming from within.  I am scared I will regret not using this time more wisely.  This makes me more anxious than the thought of getting sick at this point!  I should be learning sign language or how to cook or watching all those movies and shows I keep meaning to watch and deep cleaning the cabinets and baseboards (ok, I did dust the baseboards in the first week).   So much to do, so much time to do it!!!!!
*  So much bad news!!!!!!!!  My kids don't even want to watch the news.  We have gone to only watching one news program at night just to try to be informed (well, my husband watches the business channel most of the day, so we do get a lot from that).  But it is depressing, and I am not a depression-prone person!  All those numbers!!
*  So many people are talking about how much cooking they are doing and how they have family dinners again and family game nights!!  Not.  (Not here, that is.  Makes me feel like a guilty, bad mom. I don't like to cook.)
*  I can't see my parents.  Or my brother.  Or my bffs.  Or anyone who doesn't live here!
*  I am still walking every day with my doggie, but I am not working out.  Therefore, the COVID- 5 or 10.  Hopefully NOT 19!!!!
*  Yep, I am overeating.
*  I am afraid we are all going to be afraid of each other at the end of this.  We will stand a bit further apart.  We will be suspicious of our neighbors and react anytime someone coughs. We will no longer shake hands.
*  More of an interesting thing I have noticed, but I am actually having trouble reading.  I can't sit still long enough to concentrate and get lost in my book.  That is a bit scary but in my head I understand.  I am reading a beautiful book right now (stay tuned), but I am also writing blog posts that are not book reviews.  My mom, who is a more voracious reader even than I, said the same thing.  She's having a hard time settling in to read.  But I have no trouble binge watching The Black List with my husband every night!!!  Poor Mr. Kaplan!  But I digress.
*  My daughter cannot visit colleges this Spring to help decide where she wants to go to college in 2021.  She is a high school junior.  While I know everyone has talked about how the Seniors are all getting screwed out of Prom and Graduation, I think the Juniors are equally missing out in their own way.  How will she know where she wants to go without that "you'll know it when you see it" experience?  Virtual sessions don't do it and they all sound exactly the same.   The SATs have been cancelled, and her AP exams will all be shortened, adding more pressure on these kids.
*  When will this END?



Silver Linings:
*  I am actually LOVING staying home.  I am not missing the obligations of socializing or my part time sales job.  I do of course miss seeing my friends and being face to face, but the introverted side of me is doing a happy dance.  I have both my kids home, and while we are not doing family dinners or game nights or any of that stuff, they are HOME.  Probably not a silver lining for my college kid, but I will take it.  This is all about me, after all.
*  Lower pollution, decline in crimes (everyone is home, you can't break in!!!), forced family fun, more sleep (no alarms!!!), going on a bear hunt.
*  People are TRULY trying to support local businesses.  We are owners of two, and we have been overwhelmed at how with one especially, people have been so supportive.  People are sewing masks and taking groceries to others and learning how to Zoom so they can see each other's faces.  It is heartening how creative we are!!!!
*  I have Zoomed four times and Facetimed many.  I was not really a FT user before now and had never heard of Zoom, but man it makes a difference to SEE who you are talking to!!
*  Despite my anxiety about not getting enough done, I have actually accomplished some long delayed tasks around the house.  I totally cleaned out my closet and got rid of three drawers worth of clothes.  I completed a few art projects, one of which still had the receipt in it showing I had bought it 10 years ago.  I cleared out three cabinets in my laundry room.  I cleaned the chandeliers in my kitchen - gross.  Thanks for that idea, Tina!  I learned to play Catan.  I finished the 30 days of yoga videos I started back in September.  I started another set of yoga vids - I am on day 3.  I started writing.  I kept reading.  I have date nights with my husband to watch a show we both like and we actually discuss it!!  I had a Zoom session with College friends I haven't seen in years, just because we "had time."  I wrote a letter.  I watched a Book Club meeting online.  So, it should not matter that I still have 12 coloring books to finish and 14 shows I always wanted to watch.  If this whole situation can teach us anything, it is my hope that it can teach us to focus on the positive.


Things I've Learned:
*  I am NOT ready for my hair to go grey.
*  Everyone needs a hobby.  I cannot imagine what people are doing that don't have a hobby.  I have seen a lot of puzzle making and gardening going on, as well as the inevitable house de-cluttering.  I have done some of the latter, but my main focus has been my crafting.  I am a scrapbooker and I have been getting a LOT of scrapbook pages up to date.  Makes me feel good, and productive (see above).
*  It takes forever to clean an oven by hand.
*  Wearing an athletic bra all day will convince you that you have the virus because you CANNOT BREATHE in these things!!!  Also, see above about gaining weight but not being able to go to a store to buy a new athletic bra that fits, and there ya go.
*  People handle crises in so many different ways.  While I don't want my hair to be grey (yet), grey is an important color right now.  It just cannot be black and white.  You can tell people to stay home, yet they will go to the grocery store and to Lowe's because they can.  And then they will complain about how many people they saw at the grocery store and at Lowe's.  Everybody has their own reasons for being out and about right now, and as one meme said, we need to be gentle.  They will say they have to self - isolate, then ask you to go on a walk together (walking on either sides of the street of course).  People need to work, need to matter, need to pay bills, need to be together.  We are mainly a social species.



DAY 36 of Lockdown..... Review

* I am still a bit anxious about what my friend Lauren called "erased time," and regretting not doing something amazing or educational during lockdown, but my friend Karen sent me an article about making Daily Done lists instead of the overwhelming To Do list, and that makes me feel much better.  I have great friends!  (see what I did there?  a negative became a positive!!!)

* I am being intentional about finding GOOD news.  A recent Zoom with my church was getting to be such a downer that I asked for Good News from everyone - amazing how people perked up.

* We have had several game nights, I cooked dinner once last week so everyone ate at the same time, we have a menu for this week and I pushed for a movie night with one daughter by bribing her with a Marvel movie so she'd some out of her room and spend time with me, even if in a dark room watching tv - so instead of erased time, that became FOUND time.  Took me a month but maybe I am getting my groove now??

* I am still eating chocolate every day (got to), I am still drinking more than I probably should, but I am also now working out more.  Still walking every day but I got back to the yoga and am now using our new treadmill.  So, I feel better physically.  I took one walk with a neighbor (6 feet apart of course) and since the pollen is behaving my husband can go with me on walks.  Not sure if that is good news or not....haha!!!

*  I still wonder about how we will act towards each other when we get back to our new normal.  Even on my walk with my friend I was nervous about how close she was to me.  That is sad.  I don't want to be suspicious and wary of my friends.  I am saddened by how even this pandemic has become political, dividing my friends into camps of "stay home to save lives" and "open up to save livelihoods."  As small business owners, we are torn.  We want people to be safe, but we need the business to be open so we can pay our bills.  And so our employees can pay theirs.  But of course we don't want them exposed, they are family.  There are no easy answers.  I did finish my one book, and started another, but it is still slow going.  Still can't concentrate.  And I am finding myself slipping a bit on the "rules of engagement."  I am not washing my hands as much and I have to force myself to wipe down the steering wheel and doorknobs after I have been to the grocery store.  And is it just me or do y'all feel eerily dirty when you come out of the grocery store???  Weird.

* Our daughter that is in the college search spent Spring Break doing virtual tours, speaking to an admissions professional about his predictions for the New Norm in College admissions, and digging into major programs to see what would interest her.  Still not happy about not being able to visit, but hopeful that we will be able to do so later this summer.  We adjusted.

* I am not really wondering when this will end. (I am not sure it will, really, just will make a new way of living until we get a vaccine.)  I am still "enjoying" this time.  I am usually a big planner, and while sometimes the days get away from me a la preschool years, other days I am feeling pretty good about the right now and I'm not really looking at whether our summer plans will happen.  Our Spring plans sure didn't!!!  But, it doesn't really worry me.  Defense mechanism maybe, but I don't see anything wrong with it.  I can't control it, why worry about it??

* My silver linings still stand.  Still doing lots of my crafting, but less of my de-cluttering.  We are in Season 6 (final season on Netflix) of The Black List, and have season 3 of Ozark cued up.  We have settled into a bit of a routine, and everyone has claimed their physical space for the daytime.  Although, I am feeling bad for my college kid - she really should not be home right now.  Bless her.  She is handling it well though.  I know she will be sick of us after 6 months at home!

* And I still am not ready for grey hair.

Hang in there, friends, and try to focus on the positives!  I am a firm believer that silver linings exist everywhere; sometimes you just have to look deeper for the sparkle.  And we now have the time to do just that.  Peace and health and wash your hands.