#onereasonwhyNOT

Only one week in and I am already making myself into a liar.

This is NOT a book review.  But it is about a book.  And a TV show.

And the number 13.

You know where I am going now don't you?  And if you don't, google it quickly and then pay attention. This is important.  This is also my opinion, not an argument.  And it is long.  Sorry not sorry, but I got a little hot under the collar this morning.

I did not read 13 Reasons Why.  I did not watch the TV show.  I almost did; after all I am the mother of TWO teenage daughters.  My 14 year old asked to watch it and I said Sure, as long as we watch it together. And I would have watched it with her.  But she changed her mind.  Never as much fun to watch with mom.  But there was no way I was going to leave her alone to watch this.  My older daughter refused to watch the last installment of Harry Potter for goodness sake, because of the violence, so I knew she wouldn't watch this anyway.  And I am proud of her for knowing her limits.

So let me jump on the first big parenting question:  How can I make a decision about something that I haven't read or seen?  BECAUSE I AM THE MOM, THAT'S WHY.  I have complete power to make a decision like this for my child.  You do what you want, but I personally do not want my impressionable young daughters watching someone commit suicide and then go on to explain in super dramatic teenagers-are-gonna-love-it video fashion WHY it came to this.  Artistically, it sounds beautiful.  Plus look how FAMOUS she got!!!!

This is not to say that this is not a topic worth discussing, that is not at all what I am saying.  And I think the best thing to come out of all this is that we are even having this discussion, and how many parents have been able, through this book, to bring up the topic of suicide and how it is NOT the answer, that you WILL survive whatever horror you are going through as a teenager.  Bullying in all its forms, and isolation and feeling unloved or unworthy or stupid or embarrassed, etc etc. - these are not topics to be brushed aside.  Please reference my friend Jennifer Weintraub's blog about this at www.thetruthhurvitz.com (but excuse her language, she is from Detroit....).  I completely agree with her take on this:  She watched, then turned right around and gave her two teenage boys #onereasonwhyNOT: Because it would kill their mother.

But even sister publications People and Entertainment Weekly have different spins on the series.

Not surprisingly, the more liberal leaning EW put the actors on the cover of their May19 issue and include a seven page spread about the show and why it will break your heart (great acting! perfect and unglamorized (I just made that up) depiction of high school! female director for the rape scene!).  No explanation is given for the filmmakers' decision to change a key issue from the book (I hate it when filmmakers see the need to CHANGE an author's story!  Ugh.): the suicide itself is referenced as an overdose in the book but is not seen.  In the show, she slits her wrists - hello sensationalism.  More like - hello triggers for any rape victim.

Conversely, People Magazine only had a two page spread (May 15 issue) and focused more on the controversy and the negative reactions of people worried how teenagers will now think suicide is THE way out, that it is a viable answer.  I was somewhat placated by learning that in response to this type of reaction, Netflix added a trigger alert/warning before each episode, and a doctor from the American Foundation for Suicide prevention is warning not to binge-watch it, it is too dark.

If I am really honest, I guess I have more of an issue with the show than the book - I remember when the book came out and I sorta shrugged.  I didn't read it, didn't hear about it from my kids (they were too young then).  It was easy to just move on.  I might even let/encourage my kids read the book (after I do of course) if they want to. But now this story is a visual thing and has gone viral so to speak, and the book is at the top of the bestseller list.  I can't shrug anymore.

Obviously, I am a reader.  But I am picky about what I read.  Because I don't want to put certain things into my brain that I cannot erase.  I don't read about murdered children or terrifying horror novels or anything to do with chainsaws.  Because then it becomes real for me.  I miss characters when I finish a book and I discuss them ad nauseum with my book club AS IF THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE.  Don't you???  Can you imagine how real fiction can be to a teenager, especially a sensitive, impressionable, hurting teenager desperate for answers or a way out??  Oh how cool!  Let's go make some videos and then kill ourselves!!!!!  Awesome!!!!

Which leads me to the comment that really riled me up this morning, from an online article at Syracuse.com:

James LaRue, director of the Office for Intellectual Freedom at the American Library Association, said, "Sometimes the world is a dangerous place, but reading about it isn't." 

Do WHAT?  I beg to differ.  Reading about something certainly CAN be dangerous if the reader believes what they are reading is real, is exciting, and is what they should emulate.

Now, he is talking in reference to whether or not this book, or any book, should be banned by school libraries.  So perhaps I have taken this out of context.  But I don't think it should be so lightly assumed that everyone who reads fiction can totally bounce back from a traumatic read and not be affected by it, or even influenced by it.  Especially when it is causing such a media storm right now (don't get me started on the negative influence on social media on our kids - just take your kid's phone away for a week and watch them slowly turn back into the intelligent conversational happy people you always knew they could be).  Depressed, desperate kids are very liable to think, oh, ok, this is an option.  WRONG.  The messages we should be sending them are: This too shall pass.  Hang in there.  Talk to me or somebody responsible (not your bff, an adult with perspective).  You are NOT ALONE.  You are NOT alone.  YOU are not alone.

And, as is going around Facebook right now with the Suicide prevention hotline:

It's ok to NOT be ok.

If you and your family have read this book/watched this show and you think it has changed your life for the better because you finally had an opening to talk about suicide with your kids or your kids' friends, then I applaud you and that is fantastic news.  I am so happy for that.  Truly.  Like I said at the beginning, this is my opinion only.  And I have not been personally touched by suicide, thank the Good Lord, but I do know people who have.  It is unbelievably devastating.

But what I do know is the power of books.  Don't underestimate how long they stay with you.  Or how they can change your life.   Hopefully, this book and show will do what the producers say it is meant to do - bring positive change and realistic views on the aftermath of the horrors of suicide and the need to halt behaviors that can lead to such a desperate act.